Happy Pear to be Officially Declared a Cult

Church of the Pomegranate Mind

t was, of course, only a matter of time – and, eh, thyme..

With the rise and rise of The Happy Pear brand through its now famous cafe HQ, and on through the many TV, radio, print and online appearances, the best-selling book, the catering and on-location pop-ups, the burgeoning new evening restaurant, the increasingly popular home-grown organic produce, the hugely popular Happy Heart courses and their secret fruit-slicing, competition-crushing ninja army (naturally, Cavistons never saw them coming), the iconic Greystones enterprise is about to be officially declared a cult by the Irish government.

Having led the campaign from the very start, renegade Fine Gael TD Ted Miwadiwadi, Minister For Mass Hysteria and Sexual Deviance Through Vegetarianism, cited the Oxford Dictionary’s definition of cult – ‘a system of devotion directed towards a particular figure or object’ – in his original Dail Eireann proposal to “get a grip on all this Happy Pear malarkey”. Miwadiwadi first became incensed with The Happy Pear when he heard Stephen Flynn – the evil one of the Flynn twins – state on live television that he and his brother Dave were “hotter than Jesus”.

Plans are already afoot to find a site for The Church of The Happy Pear on the outskirts of Greystones, with a petition to level the failed experiment that is Charlesland having been signed by over 25,000 people. In less than 24 hours.

It’s estimated that 15% of the signatures calling for the sprawling estate to be flattened came from residents of Charlesland itself.

Noted Greystones architect Sean ‘Stoner’ O’Flaherty has just released an artist’s impression of his plans for the church [see pic]. “I pulled an all-nighter to get this one right, my friend,” said O’Flaherty, after a 3-minute pause. “The great thing about this particular design is, firstly, I don’t remember designing it. And secondly, there’s lots and lots of shelves inside. Which, you know, will be handy, for lentils and beads, and all that crap.”

As for the interior, the heating and lighting generators will be designed by local eco crusader and designer Matthew ‘Boyo’ DeGradable. “Our main motivation here is not to take anything away from the environment around us,” said the convicted tree molestor, “and that means being as self-sustaining as humanly possible. So, in short, it meant finding an energy source that was both in abundance and free from the exploitation of our beloved Mother Nature and all her proud, firm, erect trees.
“That’s why we decided that this fine building’s heating, lighting and general electrical supply would be run entirely on smugness. It’s incredibly effective, energy efficient, and, as you can imagine, the supply around here is practically limitless…”

All going well, The Church of The Happy Pear will open its doors on April 1st, 2016. Tom Cruise has already expressed an interest in joining.

But only, he states, if there are sleepovers involved. With the twins.