“Okay, let’s get all the formal crap out of the way – the big guy is Bruce, he’s a long-haired German shepherd, six years of age, and he’s my best pal in the whole wide world.
“The slightly smaller but equally menacing guy is me, Scruffy, a Kern terrier, five years old, and pretty much the toughest fella you’re going to meet in Greystones today. Or any other day, for that matter.
“It’s like people never learn when it comes to vertically-challenged dogs. They think just because we can fit inside the average ladies handbag, oh, we’re just an adorable little fashion accessory.
“Well, it ain’t like that. We’re tough. Tougher than tough. It’s a trait all we vertically-challenged killers share.
“And it’s just the same in the human world. If you don’t believe me, I’ve got two words for you – ‘Joe’ and ‘Pesci’. Man, in Goodfellas – one of our favourite movies, by the way; lots of bones broken in that one – that Joe Pesci scares the living bejiggers out of Robert De Niro! And that guy tried to shoot the President! And Don Corleone! And that stupid shark played by Will Smith in that stupid cartoon!
“Anyway, the good news is, I reckon our pet here, Paul, must have warned the good people of Greystones about me in advance, because Bruce and I here haven’t had to get into any silly scraps to prove our worth. The other dogs just know.
“They just take one look at me, let out a whimper, and they’re gone.