“The name’s Memphis – as in Elvis, in B.B. King, Sun Records, Stax, and all that jazz, r’n’b and rock’n’roll. So, it goes without saying, I’m probably the coolest hound dog in the whole of Greystones.
“I’m what’s known as a Cane Corso, and it’s no coincidence that my Italian Molosser breed name rhymes with main corso. Dinner is my favourite part of the day. In fact, I reckon Cane Corso must be Italian for Huge Feckin’ Dog, as I seem to be doubling my body weight on a daily basis.
“Back in January, when I first arrived in this quiet little town, I could fit inside a ladies handbag. Now, 10 months later, I can hardly squeeze into a ladies cubicle. I’m really not sure what they’re feeding me, but the growth spurts have been ridiculous. I feel like I’m transforming into The Incredible Hulk, just in slow motion.
“Not that I’m complaining. Karen – bravely trying to stop me eating the camera here – and her daughter, Jessica, have plainly been feeding me well. Which is no mean feat, given that I view a cat in a Micra as a Kinder Surprise.
“What else to tell you about myself? Oh, yeah, I think I might have upset Karen’s gran when, whilst visiting one day, I spotted another dog in a neighbouring garden, and I proceeded to flatten the old dear’s fence as I went to meet and greet.
“I reckon by Christmas, I’ll have a saddle on my back for walkies. So, if you see me coming, my advice is, step out of the way, pal. Unless you want to end up like grandma’s fence.”