“Yep, I get to hear ’em all, looking like I do…
“There’s, ‘Hey, are you caretaking that skin for a Great Dane?’, and, ‘Jeez, how many years is it now since you got some shut-eye?’. Oh, and my favourite, ‘Steve! Steve! Loved you in Fargo and Boardwalk Empire!’.
“The trouble with this world is that, basically, we’ve got way too many smartarses in it. With, it would seem, nothing better to do than bother small, smart, beautiful dogs. It’s pathetic. And one of these days, I’m gonna go full Joe Pesci on their asses.
“For now though, I just go with the flow. Tell people that, sure, those hangdog gags really, really crease me up. Smile my little smile. Nod my little nod. And then, when they’re not looking, pee my little pee on their shoes.
“Anyway, where are my manners – forgot to tell you about myself! I’m very nearly seven months old now, and I’m a Chinese Shar Pei – which would explain why this witty Drew family decided to call me Paddy Fields.
“Actually, love these feckers to bits. The big humans are Phelim and Sue, and then the four little ones are Lilly, Seanie, Milo and Vivienne – or The Wise One, as I call him, given that Vivienne is the only one of the bunch who doesn’t constantly jump around like they’re on fire.
“The cool thing is, after only a few months in the house, I’m already Phelim’s favourite. He brought me along to that current stage production of Once – he plays a wobbly hat-stand, I think, or maybe it’s a bar stool – and, bejaysus, I was the hit of the show backstage. I could see in Phelim’s eyes how very proud of me he was that night, tears welling up. To be honest, I’ve never seen that particular look in Phelim’s eyes when he’s with any of the kids.
“So, I reckon I’m on to a good thing here. Should have my own room by Christmas. And should have Phelim and Sue all to myself by the summer of next year.