Reasonably-Priced Car Spotted In Delgany

Delgany on Monday, around teatime

he tranquil little village of Delgany was thrown into disarray this afternoon after a reasonably-priced car was spotted brazenly gliding down the main street.

Thankfully, the offending vehicle didn’t make a stop, the gardaí retreated, and it was soon business as usual in the quiet Wicklow haven for overpriced 4X4s.

Nonetheless, the shock waves from this 1998 Nissan Almera apparition were still being felt hours later.

“I was taking my beloved offspring, Tarquin and Thor, for their afternoon Happy Pear Chocolocomocha Guacamole energy bar treats when, suddenly, I saw the dusty roof of a tiny car go by,” explained a clearly still-shaken Lady Penelope Swankypants. “We were in our nippy Land Rover Discovery Sport, of course, our Thursday car, and the children had never seen such a small vehicle before.

“Naturally, they both screamed. Tarquin’s got turtles bigger than that thing.”

For Delgany Residents Association president Herbert von Reichfeck, the fact that a car that does more than 15 miles to the gallon was able to find its way into the village merely reiterates his call for Killincarrig to be flattened and turned into a Park & Ride.

“If people with reasonably-priced cars want to visit our village,” stated von Reichfeck, “they should have the option to leave their cars parked nearby and enter Delgany by foot. There are children here – very rich and very sheltered children – and they shouldn’t be subjected to the sight of a 1986 Ford Fiesta with tinted windows, spoilers and go-fast flames hand-painted down the side. These boy racers are simply writing cheques that they can never cash.”

Arguing that a sturdy, top-of-the-range, four-wheel drive is needed to mount the kerb outside Delgany Mini-Market – so as to “ensure maximum disruption of traffic” on the main street – von Reichfeck suggests that “anything smaller than a Land Cruiser” should be barred from entering the village.

“Look at those mid-range people carriers,” he states, “they’re just the corduroy of cars. No one feels good after seeing one of those things trundle by, like a ship of failed promises and broken dreams…”

For Lady Penelope too, it’s the next generation of Delangarians that she’s most concerned about. “I just know Tarquin and Thor are going to be asking me questions later tonight about that funny little car,” she sighed. “It just makes me wary about what I might do the next time we’re caught in such a situation. It took all my strength not to hit the children’s ejector seats this afternoon. 

“It’s a good thing that I didn’t. The sunroof has been jammed for weeks.”

Arguing that for Delgany to maintain its standing, big wheels must keep on turning – “not little ones” – Herbert has the last word.

“We may be a small, compact little village,” he says, “but that doesn’t mean small, compact little cars are welcome. Or, indeed, any crappy cars. Especially those feckin’ Almeras…”