Firehouse’s Lazy-Ass Parkers To Be Tasered

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Despite the fact that they provide a large and free car park less than 35 feet away, Delgany’s Firehouse Bakery have long been struggling with vehicles blocking the footpath and traffic flow at their front door.

That many of the offending drivers claim they are “just popping in for a second”, most are happy to leave their car in harm’s way for up to an hour, whilst they munch down on a baby pheasant filo on organic rye with virgin elderberries and castigated couscous.

On a bed of free range, gluten-free, atheist, trans-culinary fennel.

For the management at the award-winning Delgany eaterie, the solution hasn’t come easy.

“We had thought of providing wheelbarrows made from locally-sourced wood, and employing some underage children in the area for manpower, but our insurance wouldn’t cover it,” said one Firehouse employee, who wished to remain anonymous, “and then we looked into running a cable car from the car park in through the back door, right to the counter, or possibly shopping centre-style escalators, or even a Stella Stairlift up and down Bellevue Road…”

In the end, it was decided that tasers were the simplest, most effective way of helping these lethargic, ridiculously lazy-ass customers make the 35-feet journey from their car to their table on their own two feet.

“I guess you could call it tough love,” nods the employee. “We get no delays or dangerous road blocks out front, and our customers get some much-needed motivation and exercise. Which should, in turn, increase their appetites. 

“Ka-ching!”

So, if you smell a little roast pork next time you’re strolling through Delgany, for once, you needn’t blame the notorious Farrelly brothers. And their wonky sunbed.