In a shocking turn of events, Greystones Guide’s crack team of undercover reporters have finally hit the Holy Grail when it comes to the much-rumoured, seedy underground presense of a swingers club in Greystones. 

Do you recognise these SuperValu shelf-stackers…?

All the signs were there. Not least, the late evening outdoor drinks, with some of the more suspect Greystonians all dressed up in their Sunday best, flashing conspiratorial smiles at any poor passing pedestrian who took their fancy.

The secret panel…

It has now been discovered that the secret mating sign is simply a cocked little finger as the eager deviant lifts their wine glass to their lips. Whenever possible, this is accompanied by one single raised eyebrow. It’s a move created and perfected by the infamous local Lothario known as The Grey Fox, along with his purring partner, nicknamed The Brown Fux.

Rumours of a Greystones swingers club have dogged each new generation, with tales of latenight shenanigans in the exclusive Burnaby mansions abounding throughout the 1940s and ’50s (back when the place was really hopping), and later, in the 1960s and ’70s, as free love and a lust for a little rough really took hold, it was Grattan Park. The 1980s saw Hillside and Heathervue compete sweatily for the crown, whilst in more recent years, the swingers club rumours have bounced between Applewood Heights, Church Road and the carpark of the Holy Rosary Church.

It was through discreet undercover work that our reporters were able to at first mingle with the would-be bohemian reprobates regularly gathered outside La Douche Booze & Fags, winning their trust by complaining about the state of the harbour and how much they secretly enjoyed their schoolday slaps at St. Brigid’s and St. Kevin’s. Our undercover agents knew they were in when the sharing of a bottle or three of fine wine with another young couple saw them being led to The Gimp Garage.

Two of Greystones’ rugby squad get ready for a scrum

This turned out to be Mavis Motors, situated behind La Douche Booze & Fags. For those, apparently, who “really want to get their motor running”. Once you know the special password, you are led through a secret panel inside La Douche Booze & Fags to the adjoining garage, with all its alluring lifts, chains and lubricants.

Our undercover couple learnt that should anyone simply say, “Hmmm, this Shiraz smells of elderberries”, you merely had to reply “Yes, but isn’t there just a hint of sausage too?” in order to be automatically led to a corner display unit at the back of La Douche Booze & Fags. There, the simple cranking of a bottle of Domaine Rapet’s Pernand-Vergelesses would open a secret passageway that would lead you into the poor, unsuspecting Mavis Motors – aka The Gimp Garage.

We were all set to bring our findings to the local Gardaí, but our undercover agents insisted upon continuing their work, stating that they felt their penetrating research had not yet reached a truly satisfying climax. We tried to warn our brave reporters that, with their initial findings now revealed, there was a very good chance that their cover would be blown, and that they would be subject to abuse and torture by angry members of the swingers club, but they merely smiled and chimed in unison, “Bring it on!”.

Reportedly, Mavis Motors have suspended their Full Body Service option until a full investigation – and a thorough cleaning of the garage – has been completed.