Non-Humans Of Greystones #49: Bonnie

“You know it’s getting pretty bad when even your master’s mini-rucksack is laughing at your outfits, but hey…

“I let Emma dress me up in whatever ridiculous costume she can muster, and in return, I get to do pretty much whatever the hell I want.

“For example, Emma took me to that fancy-pants BrookLodge Hotel down in Wicklow earlier this week – to check out the award-winning Strawberry Tree restaurant – and she begged and cajoled the manager to let me in too, given that I was ‘such a well-behaved little pooch’.

“Well, once I broke loose of my lead, I ran through that place like a dose of salts. It was like a Carry On film, with the manager and Emma trying to catch me, old ladies spitting out their afternoon tea, children screaming…

“I knew I’d be in trouble, but, Emma’s a softy. And once I let her dress me up in these ridiculous outfits, I’m pretty much the golden child. Right now, there are three coats, a rain jacket, 12 t-shirts, four dresses and two Christmas jumpers in my designer wardrobe.

“Even though I’m a dog. With no sense of what fashion is, does or means.

“Still, it keeps the old girl happy, as I said, and I can always play with one of my 22 toys whenever Emma is trying to squeeze me into some little nurse’s outfit, or that mini-Ku Klux Kuddles costume I got from her mum. That one’s just for indoors. And the cross-burning up on Bray Head.

“I think the reason Emma spoils me so much is that I had a near-death experience about a year ago, my touch-and-go ordeal even making the national papers. And some local rag called the Guide.

“That was a turning point in our relationship. I went from much-loved pet to demi-dog overnight. And I’ve been living like a queen bitch ever since. Well, I am half-Bichon Frise, half-Pamperous Poochus Maximus, after all.

“Not that I’m entirely content with my lot in life. For the past six months, I’ve been working my way up through the ranks at Greystones Cancer Support. I’m currently the mascot, but, I reckon by the end of the year, I’ll have Kelleher’s job.

“Lots of perks there. Including huge, oversized knickerbockers, I hear, free afternoon tummy rubs…”

You can check out Bonnie’s birthday party from July 2018 here. Yes, you read that right. Her birthday party. Made into a Guide feature. You can check out the other 49 Non-Humans Of Greystones here.