He may be at the centre of our solar system, but the sun has today expressed his exasperation at being the centre of the Happy Pear’s world too – by issuing a restraining order against the popular Greystones cafe.
The sun, in Wexford, last week
In a statement issued early this morning (just after sunrise, as it happens), this nearly perfect spherical ball of hot plasma explained why he was so hot under the collar when it came to the Flynn twins and their almost-daily records of his comings and goings. “They’ve gone beyond paparazzi to stalker at this point,” said the sun. “I’m barely out of bed, just rubbing my eyes, getting my heat on, when, boom!, there they are on that crappy Greystones beach, clicking away furiously, whooping and hollering, and doing what appears to be some kind of epileptic yoga. And this is all before I’ve even had me first coffee!”
In a damning case, the sun provided the Courts Service in Dublin with a flipbook from The Happy Pear’s Facebook page [see below], highlighting a series of photographs that confirmed the twins’ worrying obsession with his early morning rise and, occasionally, his late evening retreat. “They even followed me to Wexford last week,” screamed the sun before offering up his closing argument.
“I’ve been here for 4.567billion years, and I’ve never seen the like,” he stated. “I just feel somehow used. I’m here to provide energy for life on Earth, and they appear to be simply using my radiant image to get Facebook likes. That’s simply not what a G-type main-sequence star – based on spectral class, of course – is all about.
“Still, I’ve got a plan to get my own back on these so-called sun worshippers. I’m currently in talks with my good buddy Earth about tilting his access just enough so that the sun only ever shines on the Caffe Delle Stelle side of the street.
“How you like them apples, Flynn twins!”
