Is JD Vance Bray Bound…?

That emotional Washington Vance & Vance meeting…

ware of the importance of the Irish vote in the US, in the lead-up to St Patrick’s Day, American Vice President JD Vance sent his people on a deep DNA dive.

And it didn’t take these eager bloodhounds long to discover that James Donald actually has some Bray roots.

Roots which happen to be alive and nailing shoes on Florence Road.

“Naturally, when they called me, I reckoned it was cobblers,” says Pat Vance, whose family have been in Bray for over 200 years. “Who do you think you are, indeed….

“But then they emailed me the birth certs, and the family connection was there. Distant cousins, thankfully, but it was all there, in black and white…”

And before you could say “Diddley-aye, potatoes!”, Pat was being flown out to Washington for St Patrick’s Day. Where he met a surprisingly emotional JD Vance.

“The guy was practically crying,” says Pat. “It was mad. Quite possibly it was his finally being in actual touch with his Irish roots. Or it could be his joy at knowing he now had some play with the Irish in America. Either way, it was more than a little mental, and I was out of there before that McGregor eejit showed up…”

Upon hearing of this Washington visit by Pat Vance, it was local Irish Times journalist and Friends Of The Cliff Walk ringleader Peter Murtagh who decided to investigate the US Vice President’s Bray roots further. And with a little help from Pat’s family, the Bray roots of this particular Vance line were soon unearthed.

“What people used to think was Lord Meath’s toll cottage on The Cliff Walk we believe is, in fact, the ancestral Vance home,” says Murtagh. “We’ve gone through all the local land registries, tax records and the like, and we’re pretty sure this is it.”

At which point Murtagh began seeing dollar signs. “This opens up a whole new potential revenue stream from America,” he states. “Revenue that could go towards remedial works to finally reopen The Cliff Walk after four years.

“The only trouble, of course, is that Trump may then claim ownership of Bray Head…”

For Pat Vance, there’s only one real concern.

“Before I got the phone call from JD Vance’s people, I thought he was an ignorant, greedy, land-grabbing yank with absolutely no class, but then I met the man.

“And now I know for a fact that he’s an ignorant, greedy, land-grabbing yank with absolutely no class.”

Which somewhat rules out any chance an emotional Bray reunion.

“Besides, he was actually born James Donald Bowman but changed his surname to Vance in 2013.

“So, you know, feck him. Feck him good…”