“Before we get started here, that camera thing – not happening. I will twist, I will turn, and I may even bite. So, back off, fatboy.
“Bonnie’s the name, and I’m a rather beautiful, almost-2-years-old collie/springer spaniel mix – I think. I wasn’t there until right at the very end, so, not entirely sure who was zoomin’ who on the night in question. What I do know for sure though is, I’m one happy dog.
“Bonnie by name, bonnie by nature, that’s my motto.
“I’m also glad to say that not only am I a good soulmate to my buddy, Maria, but, I earn my keep – by keeping out the riff-raff from Maria’s dog-grooming pad, Vanity Fur, on Theatre Lane. I patrol the window, all teeth and death-stares, like a proper bouncer, barking at any dodgy passers-by. Like that Ross fella – anyone who smiles that much is definitely up to something.
“Actually, having a buddy who runs a dog-grooming business is a real godsend for a dog. Not only does it mean that I always look damn sharp – I get a bath every single evening! – but it also gives me a heck-load of clout around the town. If you were a Greystones mutt, would you piss off a dog whose master packs a shelf-load of electric razors and has permission to shave near your gonads? Man, I feel like Dog Corleone out there, they’re so scared of me.
“While I have you there, gotta give a big shout-out to Lady Helen too, who looks after me when Maria is busy. I get to hang out with Bunker, Jessie and all the other Cuckoo’s Nest gang as Helen takes us off somewhere cool for the afternoon. Once they’ve each admired my portrait on Theatre Lane, that is…