Grattan Park Lights To Become New Camden Market?

They’ve become known as Wicklow’s very own Bermuda Triangle, a notorious spider’s web of seemingly endless and pointless traffic lights where drivers will often lose track of time and place.

And the will to live.

But today, on January 3rd, just as 2017’s very first green light out of Grattan Park miraculously appeared, Wicklow County Council have announced plans to turn Greystones’ much-hated limbo lights into a thriving market place.

An artist impression of Grattan Market

“Having conducted a survey of these fine lights,” says Paddy Soprano, Senior Executive Officer at WCC’s National Roads and Non-National Roads Design, “we realised that many people in Greystones can spend anything up to a quarter of their entire day at this junction waiting for that ever-elusive green light. And rather than try and create a better flow of traffic, we thought it would be smarter to simply monetise the problem.”

And so it was that Wicklow County Council came up with their cunning plan to turn the swamp-like Grattan Park traffic lights into this century’s Camden Market.

“Think about it,” says Paddy. “You’ve heard of a captive audience, well, what we have here are captive customers, trapped in their cars, and with plenty of time on their hands. They’re just crying out for something to do so they can make use of those wasted hours.”

Initially, there will be a coffee dock, a mobile library, a massage parlour and a fingernails & eyebrows salon, but Wicklow County Council have plans to extend the new market by the summer.

“I can see us having a car maintenance site there, a language school, a livestock market and a tax accountant, to help people file their returns,” finishes Mr. Soprano. “The potential here is huge. We’re also in discussions with Bray Institute of Further Education about giving people the chance to learn new skills whilst they’re waiting at the lights.

“Which, we feel, will prove a crucial service, given that many of those at the mercy of these lights have lost their regular jobs for being so consistently late in the mornings…”

If you find yourself stuck at the Grattan Park traffic lights on a regular basis, a special helpline has now been launched. Just dial 116123. Calls are free, and confidential.