The Fear Of The Cat

Evil. Pure evil.

f dog is a man’s best friend, then it might be fair to say that cat is usually a woman’s best friend.

And that tells you all you need to know about their nature.

Loving, caring, purring, seductive and, in a split second, capable of ripping your heart out and eating it, slowly, in front of your dying eyes.

Our furry little fiends don’t always love you. And when they do, they’re hungry.

And now, with International Cat Day arriving on Friday, August 8th, given the year that we’ve been having, let’s all just be extra-cautious around our furry little fiends.

As anyone who has a cat will tell you, they’re always up to something. And this Friday, they might just finally unite and seize the opportunity to take over a plainly weakened world.

There are many theories about cats and where they come from, and where the hell it is they might be going every night. The Guide’s own particular take on Felis Catus is that they were invented by the French. A nation unable to cover the entire planet with their snootiness and condescension, they created the cat to spread out across the globe and do their dirty undermining work for them.

If dogs ever learnt to talk, the first words out of their mouths would be, “Are you going to finish that?“. If cats ever master the human tongue, their first words would undoubtedly be, “Have you put on weight?“.

And cats, like humans, are riddled with contradictions. As right-wing wit PJ O’Rourke said, ‘Cats are irresponsible and recognise no authority, yet are completely dependent on others for their material needs. Cats are mean for the fun of it‘.

Just ask any mouse.

As the late, great Terry Pratchett decreed, “If cats looked like frogs, we’d realise what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That’s what people remember.”

Meowch.

And sure, kittens are cute, but, the only trouble there is that they tend to grow up to be cats.

If you let them.

So, this August 8th, if you have a cat, watch ’em. Closely.

And carry a bucket of water with you at all times.